


you may find yourself

by likesflowers



Series: Ulysses [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, But He Does Like Natasha Romanov, F/M, Farmer Bucky Barnes, Gen, Protective Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers Does Not Like Kids, Time Travel, the 1980s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 20:53:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18764020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likesflowers/pseuds/likesflowers
Summary: ----ENDGAME SPOILERS----"Natasha, I think you are taking the saying 'only you can save yourself' a little bit too literally."





	you may find yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a reference to "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads

To be honest, Steve never expected to see Natasha Romanov again. When she winked out of existence on Vormir, he assumed she'd gone home. So it was a shock in the face to turn the corner outside Macy's in late November, 1985, and run smack dab into her.

  
He knew it was her mostly by the way she reacted to their crash, a hand reaching up instinctively to form the beginnings of a joint lock before she'd even registered who it was. The other hand never made contact, but it took him a moment to figure out why--because she was holding something on her hip, already angled away from him.

  
He blinked into her eyes and saw her physically flinch when she recognized him. "Are--are you fucking kidding me right now, Rogers?" she hissed. She didn't seem angry, just shocked, and she glanced down to take in the changes since they'd last spoken.

  
He did the same. She had changed her clothes, into a truly awful thing in turquoise with large enough shoulder pads to give his (now just starting to hunch) Dorito-shaped posture a run for its money. She hadn't changed her hair, though--still the true dark crimson with a dash of platinum at the ends. He'd guess it had been a few weeks for her, maybe two months at the most. Nothing like the fifteen years it had been for him.

  
"Surprise?" he said dryly.

  
She looked positively aghast for a moment, then she laughed. "Good lord, Steve, don't tell me you took the long way around from '45. Not even you are that dumb."

  
"Not quite. Had to take the cube back to '70, stuck around a little longer than I meant to." He wanted to pull her into a hug, but there was something about the tension still radiating from the hand against his shoulder that stopped him.

  
"Down, Mama, walk."

  
Steve's head turned to look at what she had been holding on her hip. It was not a backpack as he had assumed, unless the backpack had bright pink mittens and a tiny porcelain face with red cheeks and unmistakable green eyes, with little wisps of strawberry hair peeking out from under a matching pink hat.

  
Steve blinked.

  
The child blinked right back. "Walk?" It asked Steve hopefully.

  
Steve looked back at Nat. She was blushing.

  
"Nat--is this--I didn't think--" he had no idea what to ask.

  
She cut in before he could fumble it too badly. "Steve, this is Lia. Lia, say hi to Mama's friend Steve."

  
Lia looked at him seriously, then raised one mittened hand and gave a royal wave. Natasha smiled at it. So did Steve, and he didn't even like kids.

  
Steve waved back the same way. "Nice to meet you, Lia," he said solemnly, then spoke to Natasha. "You in a hurry, or can you catch up with an old friend over lunch?"

  
She did that thing he'd forgotten about, where she scoped out her surroundings on all sides without seeming to look away from his face. He wondered what else he'd forgotten.

  
"I'd love to catch up, Steve. But...not here."

  
So she was on the run, or avoiding someone, or something. Just like old times.

  
"Peggy and I have an apartment a few blocks away, for when she has to be in the city so she doesn't have to stay at Howard's. It's safe as houses," he said carefully.

  
Her voice was cutting. "SHIELD will have it bugged, you know that--I can't risk her being anywhere near them."

  
Steve flinched a little at the buried implication. "Nat--how could you--Peggy and I cleared that out years ago. It's been YEARS." As if she thought he could spend fifteen years knowing Hydra was under his nose and just do nothing. She knew him down to his bones--how could she think that? But he looked a little closer and saw the tightness at the corners of her eyes, the weariness. She did appear to be solely responsible for a toddler that looked exactly like her, time-lagged and jet-lagged, as well as being on the run from someone. He should cut her some slack.

  
"Sorry, Nat. I--it is safe, I promise, but we don't have to go there if you don't feel comfortable. Where do you want to go?"

  
Lia cut in. "Mama, walk! Down!"

  
Nat hefted her on her hip. "Lia, honey, no. We have to get one the train. You can walk in a little bit, baby girl." She bit her lip, turned her wide eyes on Steve. "Come with us? It's not far."

  
Steve nodded and reached out to grab her shopping bag, adding it to his collection. Nat surrendered it with a smile, turned and started walking. Steve fell into step beside her, just behind her shoulder, the opposite of how they used to walk a lifetime ago.

  
It really was close by--three subway stops and a few blocks down, in a nondescript apartment building on the fourth floor. It was a smallish apartment, clearly a safe house that had been quickly retrofitted for a baby, with a crib shoved awkwardly against a wall and a collection of small jars that Steve recognized from Michael's house as baby food covering the kitchen counter. Once inside, Nat bolted the door (three locks) before setting Lia down.

  
Lia immediately toddled over to a small box and started digging for something.

  
Steve looked around, saw a kettle and moved toward it on autopilot. He supposed that is what happened after spending a decade and a half with an Englishwoman. "I'll put the kettle on."

  
Natasha smiled at him. "That's your automatic response? I don't even have to ask what you've been doing for the last fifteen years, do I?"

  
He smiled wryly. "Not making tea correctly, apparently. Peg and Diane won't let me do anything but heat the water, even now." He rested his hands on the counter. "How long has it been, for you?"

  
She huffed out a breath, looked away. "Six weeks."

  
He waited.

  
Eventually, she continued without prompting, gaze locked on the window as if it held her past. "Red Skull said something, before. I had to find out if it was true. So I went looking for answers and found Ivan, my father, newly widowed and desperate, handing over his year-old daughter to the Red Room." She met his eyes, cold steel. "They killed him to get to her. I burned them to the ground and took her."

  
That--actually, that made a lot of sense. About a month ago Peg had gotten called in for an emergency at work involving Russia--although it always involved Russia these days--that had kept her at the office for four days straight. He didn't know what had happened, but if a Red Room location had exploded with the force Steve knew Natasha would have employed without SHIELD knowing who was behind it...well, he could only imagine the chaos Peggy had been dealing with.

 

"Natasha, I think you are taking the saying 'only you can save yourself' a little bit too literally."

  
He meant it to be lighthearted, so he was a little surprised when she all but hissed back in fury. "You think I could--she's a CHILD, you know what they turn her into, what they turned me into. It'll take a lot more than my dead body for them to have a chance to do it again."

  
He felt something tug at his pants. He looked down. It was Lia, holding a cardboard book with a picture of a giant red dog on the cover. "Book?" she asked hopefully.

  
Steve didn't exactly like small children, but he was basically a grandfather now to Michael's four-year-old twins, so he knew how to interact with them, and he knew exactly how many times he'd end up reading that story to her if he caved. He opened his mouth to say no, and she just...blinked up at him with her gigantic eyes and her doll-like face.

  
He picked her up--she was tiny--and held her in one arm while he took the book in the other. "One time, young lady." And then he read her the story about a tiny little red puppy that became a giant, and tried to ignore the feel of Natasha's mirthful eyes on him.

  
He didn't ignore it, however, when he heard the camera click. He glared over at her but she was holding a--"Jesus Christ, is that your Stark Phone? How on earth...?" He hadn't seen one in over fifteen years, didn't expect to see one for another twenty-five.

  
"Reception's crap and most of the apps won't work, but the camera's still good and I brought my own charger the last time I went to outer space. Girl's gotta be prepared."

  
Honestly, Steve wished he'd thought of that. He leaned over, Lia still in the crook of his arm, and looked at the screen. It was a great picture, both their faces serious like the book were a map of an op rather than the storybook it was. He hadn't realized how the gray was starting to show in his hair, though, or how etched the crow's feet at his eyes were. He was--he was in his sixties, of course, or his late forties, or his one-hundred-twenties, depending on how you counted it, he supposed. He'd earned a few laugh lines and gray hairs.

  
The kettle screeched and Nat reached around him to turn off the burner, pulling out two teacups and making up what he recognized as her comfort tea. She left the jam out of his, but put an extra heap in her own and poured a little bit of apple juice into a cup with a lid for Lia. She did it so naturally he forgot for a moment she'd only had Lia for a few weeks--but then, she'd been an auntie for years, first to Clint's kids and then to Morgan, and the few times he'd seen her with them, she'd been great at it. He shouldn't be surprised she was comfortable taking care of her own infant self.

  
Even if it was weird.

  
He finished the Clifford book and handed it to Natasha, who set it on the counter. He tried to hand over Lia as well, but Natasha just shook her head and Lia wrapped her tiny little doll arm around his neck. He sighed, but he let it go.

  
"I've missed you, Nat." He didn't mean to say it, but he did mean it.

  
She looked at him over the top of her cup. "Me too," she said softly.

  
He looked at her. "So, did you actually have a plan? Other than burn Red Room to the ground and take off with their most valuable asset when you're forty years out of time?"

  
She arched her eyebrow. "I'm hardly their most valuable asset--certainly not at the moment. And I doubt you've got a leg to stand on, especially if you've got Peggy Carter around to egg you on. What was your plan when you burned Hydra out of SHIELD? Did you even wait a year before you razed it to the ground?"

  
He held her gaze and smirked. "It took four months. Another year to track down Buck after that. I've always got a plan."

  
She looked surprised. "You found him? Where was he?"

  
"Russia, where else?"

  
Natasha set the cup down, clearly thinking through the logistics of that. "Wow, that must have been a shit-show."

  
"Mama, language!" Lia piped in.

  
They both froze then started laughing so hard he had to put her down before he dropped her. Natasha was only upright because of her grip on the counter. She turned to him, pulled him into a long hug. It was the first time they'd touched properly, aside from their initial crash. He squeezed her tight and ignored Lia when she tugged on his pants to get his attention.

  
Eventually, Natasha pulled back, wiping at her cheeks carefully. "Steve," she said carefully, "I am so darn glad I ran into you."

  
He smiled. "I am too." He paused, but wanted to say it before they got distracted. "I wasn't just making conversation when I was asking about your plan, you know. If--I understand if you can't trust SHIELD right now, but Peg and I can help, if you need cash or papers, or--" he stopped in the middle of the sentence as the idea hit him. "or if you need a place to lay low until you've got your feet under you. Buck would love to have you both."

  
Her eyes narrowed. "Don't tell me you've forced that man to live in a crummy old safe house for the last decade," she said.

  
Steve shook his head, smiling ruefully. "What? No. That guy, he never changes, you know? It took us about a year to help him shake the mess that they made of his head, but then all of the sudden he tells Peggy he's moving to Oregon because he bought a winery with Howard's money. He's been growing both grapes and his hair for seven years now." He rolled his eyes. "You know, when we were kids, he would complain forever about having to go see his grandparents in Indiana, about how boring their farm was. And now I've seen him--of his OWN VOLITION--start one of his own twice now."

  
Natasha reached down and picked up Lia, who had apparently shifted to trying to get Natasha's attention. She asked teasingly, "are there goats this time?"

  
"I got him the first two kids myself, actually. He named them Abbott and Costello."

  
Natasha laughed and absently brushed some of Lia's hair behind an ear. "That's great."

  
"Seriously, though. This place--" he looked around, "it might be secure, but it's a dump, and they will definitely be looking for you in the city. I'll call him, you can stay with him for a bit--through Christmas, anyway."

  
He nodded at Lia. "She can run around in the grass and play with the goats, you can get an actual plan in order. No one is going to look for you at a vineyard in Oregon, and you'll have the Winter Soldier backing you up. It's a win-win."

  
She looked like she was considering it. "He hasn't met me, not in this timeline. Why would he want me and...my daughter there?"

  
Steve blinked at her. "You're family, Nat. That means you're family-by-proxy for him too. He's always badgering us to come out and visit, I think it gets too quiet for him sometimes. He's great with kids, better than I ever was. All those sisters, I guess. He'll be happy to have you. Trust me on this one. Please?"

  
Nat sighed and then relaxed. "I want to hear it from him first." She tipped her chin at the phone plugged into the wall. "Call him. That line is secure."

  
Steve dialed the number from memory and was a little surprised when it didn't, in fact, go straight to the answering machine. "Star Vineyards, this is Jim."

  
"Buck, no one calls you Jim, not one single person."

  
Over the line, he could hear Bucky laugh. "They will someday, just you wait." He paused. "Everything okay?"

  
Steve both loved and hated that Buck could read him like a book. "Yeah, everything's--it's, it's better than fine, it's practically a miracle, it's just complicated."

  
"Something about your trip way-back-when complicated?"

  
Buck always talked about Steve's jump forward in time and then subsequently backward as 'the trip way-back-when' the way other people might talk about a memorable road trip across the country. It was both ridiculous and pragmatic, at the same time--much like Buck himself.

  
"Yeah. I--you won't believe this, but I ran into an old friend from way-back-when, she needs a place to stay for a month or two and I've been talking up Oregon like it's the Promised Land."

  
Bucky chuckled. "Steven Grant, are you trying to set me up?"

  
Steve's brain froze. That thought was--well, it was weird and vaguely disturbing, but only because Bucky may as well be his brother and Natasha was basically his sister; the analytic part of his brain was thinking he could maybe see it...and he stopped that thought right there. His face must have made some sort of strange expression, though, because Lia let out a laugh like sleigh bells and sunshine.

  
"NO!" He protested. "I'm just--" he looked over at Nat. "You talk to him."

  
She took the phone gently with the hand not holding Lia. "Hello, Jim," she said, smirking at Steve. He stuck his tongue out at her.

  
He didn't even try not to eavesdrop on their conversation, but Natasha took one look at his face, shoved Lia at him, and switched to Russian.

  
"Down," Lia said imperiously.

  
"Sure thing, your highness," he said, setting her down carefully. He kept one eye on her as she went back to her box and dug through it, pulling out a puzzle and emptying it all over the floor. It was a pretty big mess.

  
After about five minutes, Natasha handed the phone back to him.

  
"Stevie, Nat's something else," Buck said. "Can you get her squared away with a car so she and the little princess can come stay for a bit?"

  
Steve looked over at Lia's serious expression as she compared two puzzle pieces. "Oh, no. No, no no no. Buck, how has she got you wrapped around her little finger already?"

  
Buck protested but not like he meant it. "Yeah, yeah, like you're any better. We gonna see you and Peggy at Christmas?"

  
Steve had half-way been planning to talk Peggy into heading out to Oregon for Christmas this year anyway, so his answer was easy. "You betcha we will. So long as you don't make that god-awful spice pudding your mom always did for Christmas dinner."

  
"But that's Peggy's favorite!"

  
"It is not."

  
"Fine. You can be in charge of dessert then. We can plan the rest of the menu la--Costello, what the hell? Get down from there!" There was a clatter in the background. "Stevie, I gotta go. You get that girl a car and we'll talk soon." Bucky hung up before Steve could respond.

  
Steve looked at Natasha, handset still in his hand.

  
She smiled. "Steve, you're right. It is a good idea."

  
Steve shook his head. "I'm suddenly doubting that, actually."

  
She smirked at him briefly before it turned warm again. "It really is, though. I'd--I'd forgotten what he was like, and now we don't have all that bad blood to get through first. And...hiding away on a goat farm is exactly what I need at the moment, and Lia can actually walk around as much as she wants to there. Anyway, you'll see us in a month for Christmas."

  
He pretended to frown. "It's not a goat farm, it's a vineyard, and the climate of Oregon is a fair bit different than Wakanda, you know."

  
She poked his side once, playfully. "And yet there are goats, making it a goat farm."

  
He raised his hands in mock defeat. "Fine, you win."

  
"Now, about that car..."

  
Steve may only be married to the director of SHIELD, but he still has quite a few resources and contacts of his own. Within an hour, he had a set of keys and a bag of cash for her. He gave her a long hug and couldn't quite make himself let go. "Natasha, you take care of yourself, you hear me?"

  
She laughed. "Sure thing, gramps. Literally and figuratively. You do the same?"

  
It was Lia demanding a hug that finally separated them. Which he gave her. She kissed his cheek in return and then held her arms out for Natasha. They both walked him to the door and gave him identical princess waves until the elevator doors closed. He didn't take the train home, choosing to walk in the cold gray air. By the time he was back at the apartment, his emotions were mostly settled.

  
When he told Peggy what had happened, her response was simple. "Thank god."

  
Steve gaped--that was too simple even for them.

  
She continued. "Diane was talking about bringing that awful drummer to Christmas, again. If we're in Oregon, they'll have to go annoy someone else. And I'd be delighted to meet this Natasha and your niece."

  
Steve's face paled. "She's not my niece, Peg."

  
Peggy just looked at him. "Yes, she is, dear, and you know it."

  
He sighed. "Dammit, she is, isn't she." He glanced at the calendar on the wall. "Well, I've got...twenty-one days to find the perfect Christmas present for my new favorite niece. Maybe that Lettuce Doll we keep seeing commercials for. How hard can it be to find one?"

 

 

  
Peggy was still laughing at him as she turned out the light.

**Author's Note:**

> The most popular toy for Christmas 1985 was the Cabbage Patch Doll. It was pretty difficult to find around Christmas.


End file.
